Introduction: In the year 2018 comedian Timothy Isaac Herman Maude Franklin Joseph Oscar Whisker Putz Miller founded the one man cult/religion Timism which has 100 suggestions, making it approximately ten times better than Christianity, but with fewer followers
1. Thou shall drink 2 cups of coffee every morning, no more no less. If thou only drinks one or more than 2 thou shall get the fuck out
2 Any day can be a day of rest if you’re lazy enough, but I prefer Thursdays
3. Thou Shall only sleep naked once a month after making a blood sacrifice of a werewolf on a full moon
4. Every Bath taken is one step closer to peak Timanity. Shower count as half a step
6. Feel Free to use my name anytime you want to, especially during sex.
7. You can make yourself some idols, just not out of plastic because that’s tacky
7. “Honor your father and your mother, unless they are jerks then you can ignore this
8.. You shall not murder, unless they really deserve it and/or you can get away with it.
9. Be true to thine ownself and to thine ownself be true
10.You shall not steal, unless you really want it
11. Feel free to lie about your neighbor all the time
12. You shall not covet your neighbor’s shit, just take it..
13. Thou shall not make up a name in vain
14.. Tell any siblings you have to go screw themselves, unless they are richer than you
15.Never talk in the bathroom for that is a dirty place where people alleviate themselves
16. Furbies are thy true enemy and you must destroy any avocadoes you come across
17. If they’ve got an infection, don’t make a connection.
18. If they’re dead, don’t rock their bed.
19. You can have other gods, but I get the weekends.
20. Write the name Tim on a piece of paper and burn it daily
21: Thou shalt not take 2 breads out of a 4 bread basket
22: Always clean your grille after every use
23. Don’t be too sensitive
#24: Thou shall only cry in the shower or while masturbating to use the tears as lube.
#25:Thou shall never consume guacamole for it is awful
26. Never let your mom get you involved in a pyramid scheme
27. Always let your dad get you involved in treason
28. Never drive a Subaru unless it is an emergency
29. You shall only drive a truck with pride or coexist flags, not American or confederate flags
30. Always text your friends after you have sex
#31: Thou shall watch Arrested Development at least once a week
#32: If you hate your job, you have the permission of me, your god, to quit it.
33. Always remember: you get paid by the time not the effort
34. Commit “time theft” at every job you have
35. You have to fire a gun before you can be “triggered”
36. Only people with katanas or axes can be edgy
#37: Thou shall set aside one day a month to be completely alone, preferably the third Thursday
#38: If a your grandma asks you for a ride home, you give her one.
#39: Thou shall only put three pieces of bread in a basket, no more no less.
#40: Thou shall name a majority of your kids after Arrested Development character
#41: Most of your kids must be giving a middle name derived from Star Wars or Star Trek
#42: Arrested Development shall be studied thoroughly as the second bible of Timism, my autobiographies being the first bible.
#43: Thou shall only be cross if they own a crossbow
#44: Your life, your love, and your lady will always be Timism
#45: Instead of giving tithe just spend 10% of your income on Tim merchandise at the strip club
#46: Thou shall set aside one day a week to be completely alone without your thoughts
#47: Feel free to blow off your friends, the good ones will stick around and the bad ones won’t
#48: When life gives you lemons through them away because making lemonade is too much work.
#49: Money is like Lemons, you have to put in the work if you want to squeeze the juice out of it.
#50: Be completely alone all the time
#51: Only accept invitations if food is involved
#52: Never commit to anything
#53: Be as vague with your answer as possible
#54: Whenever possible use one word answers
#55: If you can’t use a one word answer then make you answer as short as possible
#56: It’s only illegal if you get caught.
#57: If you are caught you are still innocent until you confess
#58: If you strike a women than you too will be stricken two times harder in the scrotum
#59: Eat any animal you want, I don’t care
60: Don’t eat eggs though
#61: Don’t eat human though, except in times of extreme emergency
#62: Anyone who likes Anakin in the prequels is an abomination and shall be cast out from Timism.
#63: You can practice other religions as long as Timism comes first
64: You can practice other religions, but you have to think about Timism the whole time
#65: Thou shall not refill the milk container when you empty it.
#66: always refill the water jug when you empty it
#67: Never go out with a Mountain Up Girl
#68: Thou shall not restock anything on Thursday for that is a holy day for Timisim
69. Always pretend you are using the force to open it when you walk through an automatic door
#70: Thou shall not hand out pitchers of cream unless the receiver is truly worthy
#71:It’s definitely not ok to own people
#72: Each person should be entitled to shelter, subsistence, happiness, health, and education
#73: Thou shall not trust anyone completely
#74: All love you give must have conditions, even your love for me your sweet almighty lord
#75: Don’t be an asshole, unless the situation calls for it
#76:Thou shall be good as long as it’s convenient
#77: Respect your elders, unless they are real cockbags, then fuck em
#78: Get as many points in life as you can and you will gain and extra life.
#79: The follower with the most baths at the end of life gets a prize
#80: Thou shall only pray to me when it absolutely necessary for I only help those who don’t annoy me
#81: Thou shall never perform comedy at Lolo Hot Springs, MT
#82: Never do business with anyone named Jeff
#83: Do business with everyone named Daniel
#84: Never fuck with a full stomach
#85: Thou shall always go to matinee showings of films
#86: Thou shall not date girls named Tammy.
#87: Thou shall date any girl named Monica you meet
#88: Please don’t show your junk in public.
#89: Feel free to show your junk in private, just not to family.
#90: Whatever you do in the bedroom is your business
#91: Whatever you do in the bathroom is also your business
#92: Respect the elderly because one day you’ll be elderly and complaining about no getting respect and you can do so with a clear conscience
#93: If you’re not sure always ask for a dna test.
#94: Just to be safe always use a regular latex condom and The Mental Condom™ which can be purchased at the Timism gift shop.
#95: Always turn the light off when you leave a room
#96: Always leave a note
#97:Never try to teach your children lessons, just talk to them and tell them what little fuckers they’re being
98:Never give away hand shakes for free
#99: Be good to each other
#100: Love each other